Saying Goodbye

It was a chilly morning of March the 3rd.  I woke up feeling restless from tossing and turning during the night.  It felt like the whole world is on my shoulders and my head is about to break from the most excruciating headache.  Today is the day.  How do you say goodbye to a man you love and have known for more than 3 years?  How will you set free of someone you have shared three precious times of togetherness and separation as lovers and enemies until you got engaged on the last approach? How do you bid adieu to the person you have vowed to be the last and the only man in your life from the moment he proposed to you until forever?  How do you let go of the husband you got married twice to: first through a wedding officiant in Goshen, New York on December 27, 2014 and second through a minister in front of our families and friends by the shores of Lake Ontario in Henderson, New York on June 6, 2015?  I got reminded of the moment that fateful morning three days ago when he said his best friend’s wife is coming on Wednesday to help him pack his things and he is leaving me on Friday, which unfortunately is today.  Just like that, my whole world crumbled.  This feeling of restlessness and anxiety has been lingering on since the beginning of February where a simple misunderstanding, one stupid fight turned into a separation that broke the somewhat peaceful married life we both used to enjoy.

I got out of the bedroom to find out that Ulrich was in the bathroom taking a shower while Petra, the wife of Ulrich’s best friend Lizzy, who was there to help with packing was having coffee in the living room that is covered by either boxes, frames or every single personal property that belongs to my husband.  “Good morning” I said to Petra who responded with the same greeting.  I excused myself and headed to the kitchen as I passed by my altar looking up at the image of Christ the King on the wall by the hallway praying to myself “Lord, please let this be just a nightmare that I can wake up from.”  I was pinching my arm as if trying to wake up from a grim horror that has interrupted my goodnight sleep only that I am already awake.  I slid a piece of San Francisco Bay French Roast K-cup in the Keurig coffeemaker slot and as I was stirring the creamer and sugar in the mug there came Ulrich greeting me good morning.  He told me “I already installed the spice rack that Uncle Raymond has gifted to us for Christmas and I hope you will like it.  I tried my best to fit it by the side of the fridge and I hope it will be easier for you to pick the spices by the other end.”  I was holding back tears when I said “Thank you.”  I also thanked him for the coffeemaker that he bought for me as he was carrying the bigger coffeemaker when he leaves tonight.  I could not find anything to eat and I did not even bother to look for something as I have no appetite due to the impending evil that is about to bite me by the end of the day.  I finished sipping my coffee and decided to just take a shower instead.  Every move is calculated and every second is precious to me as it feels like my life is about to end.  Ulrich is my life and the love of my life.  I vowed to him that I will even lay down my life for him.  Now that he is about to depart what would my life be?  How can I survive?  How do you fight for the love of your life who does not want to be fought for?  Where are the sacred vows we made to each other when we got married?  As the water falls from the shower head every single drop reminds me of every second I spent with Ulrich: from the first time I laid eyes on him from the corner of LIRR Jamaica station smoking his cigarette, to the moments we shared touring the Thousand Islands that separates the US and Canada, to the surprise proposal he made in the heart of Grand Central station, to the tears he shed when I sang my wedding vow to him during the outdoor wedding, to the smiles he flashed while we were enjoying the trip to Disneyland in Hong Kong, up to the last time he smiled at me after we made love coming back from the Philippines.  Sob after sob as my two palms were pushing the white tiles of the walls above the tub.  If only I can bring back the hands of time I will change the scenario and make everything rosy.  Why does it have to happen to me? Why me Oh God?  Did I do something bad?  Was I a bad person?  Did I mistreat anybody? Is there something wrong that I did in the past and is this a punishment?  So many questions but there is no answer.  I came out of the shower restless with runny nose and teary eyes.

I patted myself dry and started choosing my office clothes.  Ah, it is Friday today so I can wear jeans and polo shirt.  I put a dark blue shirt on and slipped my hips into a faded pair of jeans.  When I came out of the bedroom, Petra told me that Ulrich is downstairs making phone calls in his car as he has scheduled interviews for assessors they were hiring.  I went to the hallway to grab my shoes and headed back to the living room while Petra was watching the news on TV.  As I was tying my shoe lace Petra asked me “How are you feeling?”  I could not hide it any longer I told her “I am trying to be calm.  But when Ulrich was talking to me in the kitchen I thought I would break down so I tried to get a hold of myself.”  She sat by my side on the love seat and pat my shoulder saying “You can do it.  You are strong and keep on praying.  Be strong.”  Those words were more than enough to send me wailing as loud as I can as she hugged me so tight while tapping my back saying “You will be fine. You are not the only one going through a separation.  I also went through the same situation with my ex-husband.  I was able to survive and so can you.”  Very strong words while I sob after sob and wail after wail with my head on Petra’s left shoulder.  When I turned calm Petra took my hand and said “You will get through this.  Just be strong.”  I tried to compose myself and turned quickly to the bathroom to wash my face and at least erase the visible evidence of tears though I realized crying all night and morning have turned my face like bruised.  I took my office bag and said my goodbyes and see you later to Petra.

As I was riding the N train to Manhattan, memory after memory filled my head.  I wanted to scream to the top of my lungs but I kept my composure.  I was telling myself “It is better I am standing.  At least I can make movements and it will give me the chance to see the view from outside instead of sitting steadily in the the train seat.”  I scanned through every building, every roof, everything I can keep my eyes on as the train moves from station to station until we left Queensboro Plaza where there is no more view of the outdoor but the black walls of the tunnel connecting Queens to Manhattan.  When I got to my stop at 59th Street and Fifth Avenue it felt like I could no longer contain my loneliness so I wipe my eyes every time I would feel that a tear is about to drop.  By the time I reached the 16th floor of my building I felt the urgency to just let my emotions out so I dropped my bags under my computer table and ran to the men’s room.  More and more tears flowed through my eyes while I wept quietly in the bathroom cubicle for fear that another man might hear me sobbing.  After the last person has left the men’s room I came out of my cubicle and quickly washed my face and eyes and headed back to my room.

By 2pm still with no appetite for lunch, I sent a text message to Ulrich saying we have to go to the Chase bank branch by the 30th Avenue train station so we can have his name stricken out of our joint account.  He replied back saying we can do it but if there is no time he can comeback another time for it.  I have to tell him that there is no another time because I might go home to the Philippines soon.  In my text message I also mentioned to him about the possibility of me cutting his insurance off so he has to start requesting his company to enroll him by April 1 as well as leaving his house keys in the bowl by the altar when he leaves.  Every moment feels like I am running against it and every hour passed by like a second.  I decided to eat a cup of peach flavored yoghurt just before 5pm so I have something in my stomach.

When I entered my apartment building, I felt a sudden grief and the elevator flight to fourth floor felt like a trip to my grave.  As I got out of the elevator I was welcomed by boxes on top of each other and frames lined up by the wall.  Ulrich said hello as I opened the door so I signaled to him it was about time to go to the bank.  I waved smiling at Petra before we left.  While we were walking Ulrich expressed his disappointment at the thought of cutting his insurance off.  “Why did you decide about cutting my insurance off without even telling me about it?  Didn’t you know it is a life changing event and I am the one who has a lot of need for the medical care so not having insurance is like cutting my life as well?”  He continued “If this is your way of cutting ties with me then this is unfair.”  I could not say anything for fear that I will either wail loudly or cry bitterly.  I just looked at him and nodded.  In my head a voice is crying out “Well, what about you leaving me? Isn’t this enough as a life changing event as well for me and I have no real clue why you are leaving me?  Did you know that you mean everything to me and that you are my life and now you are taking that life away from me? I know I am not perfect but who the hell gave you the right to just walk away from me without even trying to work our differences out? You are the only family I got and the only one I have here in the US, why do you have to abandon me? Why was it so easy for you to give up on us? We did not even try marriage counseling.”  I could not find the courage to blurt it out because I do not want to cause a scandal as we were entering the bank.  We managed to settle everything with the bank and soon we were back on the street going back home but this time it was a deafening silence between me and Ulrich with no words coming out of either mouth.

“Well, time to start loading the things to the car” Ulrich said to Petra as soon as we enter the door.  Ulrich turned back to me as he noticed the obvious sadness on my face.  He said “This is why I want you to stay at Jopet’s house today until we have left”.  I gave him a smile and said assuringly “Don’t worry about me.  I will be fine.”  I walked to the bedroom as I heard the door closed slowly as the two were heading out.  I sat by the small couch by the wall facing the window.  There I can see the sun light slowly fading from pale orange to a shade of peach and gray.  Tears flowing down my face as I feel the walls closing in on me and moment by moment my married life is slowly fading away.  One thing came back to my memory.  I remembered the day when we buried my father as we were standing by the grave the sky changed the color from pale orange to shades of peach and gray until it was almost dark signaling it is the end of the last day we will see my father in the flesh and after that it will only be memories of him but no physical presence.  Grief enveloped my whole body, sob after sob, tear after tear profusely flowing down my cheeks.  That is what I feel now at this very moment.  My marriage is about to die and today is the burial date, March 3, 2017.  I wish I can still hold and take it back before it get swallowed by eternity.  But how?  Ulrich is determined to leave me, if not he would have not packed his things.  As soon as they finished loading everything to the car, Ulrich came back and asked me if I noticed anything else that he missed packing.  I could not face him or even give him an answer because I don’t want him to see me in my condition: hopeless, sad, and grieving.  He sat by the bedside facing me and said “I am sorry.  You will be fine”.  I started crying again and in a loud voice I said ” Do you know what I feel now?  I feel the same feeling I had the day we buried my father.  I feel like you are going away and not coming back.  The only difference is he is gone forever but you are alive only far away from me.”  He sat by the edge of the couch by my side and put his arm around my neck and hugged me so tight as I cried on his shoulders.  The next moments were filled with noise from Lizzy, who drove from Fulton to help her best friend and her wife, coming in to use the bathroom.  When she came out of the bathroom I gave her a hug and we started talking while Petra was approaching.  I could no longer say any word so I just hugged Lizzy and Petra and just said “Thank you for everything.”  Soon they were off to go to dinner at the BBQ restaurant by 30th Avenue before they start their journey to Ulrich’s parents’ house in Upstate New York.

As soon as they left, Terry and Alden came by to my apartment to give me their support as I repeated the story of what happened few minutes ago.  We all decided we will go to Tito Rad’s in Woodside for dinner.  We tried not to discuss the story over dinner because we agreed it will not be good for appetite.  After dinner, we all took the Manhattan bound 7 train where Alden and I got off at the Queensboro Plaza station to connect to the N train going to my house while Terry took it straight to Times Square to connect to her bus to New Jersey.  Alden knew I was having anxiety entering the door of an empty house so he took the N train with me saying “I know it is difficult for you to enter the door knowing it is empty inside so this is what I am going to do: We will enter the door together so you won’t feel alone coming in.  I’ll stay for a little bit then I will leave when you feel comfortable to be left by yourself. Okay?”  As soon as we got home, Alden gave me more comforting words and after assuring me that things will be alright in time, he bid me goodbye and left.  Even saying goodbye to Alden was difficult for me so I just said “Goodnight and thank you for everything” as I was holding back tears because he has been so worried about me ever since I broke the news of the separation to him.

Being alone now, I have the to face the harsh reality.  Saying goodbye to a loved one who died like my father was very painful as if getting inflicted with a deep wound that you know it will take ages to heal and it leaves a mark in our heart that can never be erased.  But I realized that saying goodbye to your spouse as he leaves you is more heart wrenching as if half of your being was cut, taken away from you and you are not whole anymore.  It felt like a thousand knives were stuck on your chest and only passing time can remove it one by one.  Goodbye may be the saddest word, but I know that for every goodbye there is a hello awaiting by the dawn of time only that I don’t know when.  As for mine, the nine hundred ninety nine knives are still here in my chest waiting to be plucked.  Time to go to bed, though I know it will be very difficult to sleep for I know when I wake up reality of being alone is going to slap me.  My head is spinning and I kept on asking “How can I claim back the life that was stolen from me today?”  It feels like as though part of me just died, or may be the best part of me, leaving a hole in my stomach.  I have to force myself to sleep now.  In a fetal position with my two hands clasped against each other and tears in my eyes I told myself “No good night for me”, for I know that his absence will be a terrible ache every waking morning.